Why the attitude of connection remains favoured

We attach so much importance to rationality. Right. But when we select the behaviour to be put into action, the first to choose is our body. And the choice is not between unlimited alternatives but between two options that evolution has selected over millennia: defence or connection. Defence, the older option, responds to the biological survival imperative that drives us to seek safety by protecting ourselves from others through fight, flight or immobilisation behaviour. The other option, much more recent in evolution, responds to the biological imperative of connection that drives us to create our security together with others. Here we want to explore the two options that we humans naturally possess from a convenience perspective.

Our behaviour is selected by the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), the radar of danger and safety signals that is not governed by rationality and is influenced by previous experiences. In practice, we act defensive or connecting behaviours long before the brain has understood the situation.

What are we like when we defend ourselves? We always keep our focus on the danger (regardless of whether the threat is real or perceived), consider others as 'enemies' and close ourselves off to protect ourselves. Slaved by the impulse to act or holed up because we feel trapped, we are less clear-headed. We stop listening and talking to each other. We write fiery emails, we don't reply. We always take centre stage or, conversely, we don't show up. We say 'it's his fault' and 'it's not my fault'. We turn meetings into battlegrounds or make wallpapers. We make impulse decisions or procrastinate important decisions. We erect walls, we become more and more territorial, we invade borders, we are willing to raise the level of conflict because, in order to feel secure, nothing is enough... mors tua vita mea. Given that there are situations in which, in the face of real danger, following the survival impulse saves us, we must be aware that constant recourse to defensive behaviour raises the stakes: more and more fight/flight or isolation. The loop is self-feeding because, not feeling safe, we fail to stop and demand (mutually) that the other take the first step. How are we in the meantime? Not well. Also because we can find ourselves surrounded by ruins, metaphorical or real. Sure, we may have the satisfaction of lashing out, the taste of inflicting mortal blows on the enemy, but we can never relax. Why? Because we must continue to defend ourselves. And this keeps our Sna on constant alert, preventing it from reaching the neural state that makes us feel physiologically safe. This is why we produce defensive hierarchies (of power, priorities, values, relationships, etc.) that feed theloop. In short, when we are hostages to survival, our hierarchical power may increase but our governance weakens.

Evolution, however, has more recently selected another option: the biological imperative to connect. If you like, it is still survival. But instead of seeking it 'against' others, this option opens us up to others - even in the most critical moments - pushing us to co-create solutions and opportunities that increase mutual security. When we are in this neural state, we approach each other, we talk, we listen to each other, we think together, we get straight to the point, we gain lucidity and insight, we create novel solutions, we experiment with them, we use power differently... Why? Because when our Sna's seek to share a security experience they generate connection, and we feel we belong to a larger system. Challenges, difficulties and threats unite us. Warning. This is not a haven for the sedate. We can have frank confrontations, argue head-on, get angry... but always cherishing connection because the hierarchies we create put the mutual security construct that allows us to co-regulate on top. This is the only neural state in which we are OK. Research by neuroscientist S. Porges shows that the neural pathways of connection and social engagement are the same pathways that govern our health and well-being. By the way: the connection imperative appears with mammals. Can we be surprised? Mammals, in order to survive and thrive, need to come together. That is why we come into the world already wired to connect. We humans hunger for connection. That goes for individuals, organisations, countries.

Defence or connection: what should we invest in? Our body knows the answer.
Author of Don't Die of Hierarchy (Franco Angeli).