We learn from our mistakes

Useful disagreements for leadership capable of weathering storms

The importance of managing conflicts constructively by promoting collaboration and personal and organisational growth

by Eva Campi and Consuelo Sironi*.

30 September 2025

6' min read

Translated by AI

Versione italiana

6' min read

Translated by AI

Versione italiana

A recent survey conducted by SHRM (Society for Human Resource Management) on a sample of 1622 American workers reports these data: 76% of respondents have witnessed acts of incivility in the workplace, with 21% reporting direct experience; 44% believe this situation will worsen in 2025 and 26% say they would prefer to leave their jobs for this reason. It is well known that overseas companies like to monetise even things that are seemingly difficult to reduce to a number, yet we report that according to economic studies that also contemplate these variables (combined with data on worker engagement at an all-time low, Gallup data), a loss in business of $2 billion per day is calculated due to declining productivity and absenteeism.

The polarisation and increase in uncivilised behaviour (i.e. those forms of rude, disrespectful or inappropriate interaction that, while not necessarily reaching the level of mobbing or harassment, undermine mutual respect, the climate of cooperation and the psychological well-being of people) have also put leaders at all levels under scrutiny, as their communication style, attitudes and actions can cause a negative reaction from co-workers, customers and institutional stakeholders. It is therefore necessary to renew the Conflict Management skills trained to date, integrating them into a systemic framework of complexity leadership, since it is precisely the attempt to simplify that more than anything else undermines the ability to resolve and redeem more or less serious conflicts.

That is why, according to our point of view already expressed in our first article on the subject, in organisational structures the redemption of conflict is not peace, an ideal to be pursued always and in any case, but collaboration. Indeed, we believe that a certain amount of conflict is vital and necessary to make our economic realities lively and dynamic.

We think, therefore, that it is necessary to overturn the paradigm and propose a perspective that we will call 'useful disagreement' - let's disagree better!

In our model of thinking, discovering one's CIQ, the Conflict Intelligence Quotient, is a strategic personal awareness that is useful for the individual, the work group and the organisation in which one operates (even in family or non-work contexts). To begin to identify one's CIQ, it is necessary to consider two diriment aspects. Firstly, every team is an interest group and teamwork, consequently, develops through this lens; secondly, it is necessary to be clear about the convenience and appropriateness of the confrontation (or clash), i.e., to answer the questions "to whom does it suit?", "what is really at stake?", "what are the risks?", "what is the real objective?", "what is the real motivation?".

Answering these questions is not an exercise to be done alone, but a common ground to bring to the surface what, if not brought to the surface, would work under the surface in destructive terms with no possibility of learning.

Alongside this exercise, which in organisational terms is a litmus test of the reference culture, it becomes central to understand how conflict energy can become transformative and generative. We have therefore reasoned about a model that can become useful to those who wish to increase their CIQ and which includes these four dimensions:

Self: in this dimension the ego (understood as ego) is central and is the building block of the conflict in which we are involved, whether we trigger it or suffer it. In this sphere, our emotions often lead us to remain firm on our positions and to develop particularly polarised behaviour.

Social: in the social dimension, the other comes into the picture. It is no longer only our emotions that are at stake, but also those of others. Overcoming conflict requires recognising the needs of the self and broadening our vision, contemplating the needs and desires of the other party.

Situational: the situational dimension is a fundamental aspect of complex contexts because it allows us to understand the previous and current conditions that triggered the conflict. It is the answer to the question "how did we end up here?". Memory plays a crucial role. By understanding the context, it is also possible to interpret how people will participate in the conflict dynamic.

Systemic: the systemic dimension is basic to building culture and the future. It goes beyond the conflict itself and 'the here and now'. By integrating the personal and external causes for which the conflict arose, systemic relevance takes into account different factors, behaviours and consequences of decisions made during the conflict management in a long-term 'construens' perspective.

Some examples of how dimensions emerge in conflict situations and what behaviour they can give rise to.

SITUAZIONI CONFLITTUALI E POSSIBILI COMPORTAMENTI

As you can guess, dimensions are not unique characteristics, but must be read from an intersectional perspective because balancing them helps to manage conflict in the best possible way, bearing in mind that, depending on the situation and what is at stake, one or more dimensions will be prioritised over the others.

To become truly effective in conflict management, one needs to train behaviours and attitudes that go beyond simply 'resolving' a dispute.

Here are some key principles:

- To really listen, even when we disagree: it is often difficult to put ourselves in a condition of active and real listening when we are very convinced of our positions.

- Recognising the signs of a conflict before it erupts: in this sense, the situational approach is indispensable for understanding what situational, but above all relational, dynamics are at play.

- Distinguishing between problem and person: we are often at the forefront of conflict not only to support our ideas, but also because we do not like people who think differently from us and this makes us like their ideas even less.

- Use language assertively, not aggressively: being assertive does not mean raising your voice.

- Dealing with disagreement without being defensive: when we realise that we are in a conflict situation and especially realise that we are the only ones who think in a certain way, becoming defensive is a very common behaviour.

- Ask questions that open, not close: questions should be aimed at discovering the other's point of view and not at emphasising our own.

- Remaining calm even under pressure: maintaining patience and focus on conflict resolution, breathing deeply and staying in the situation are key skills.

- Coming out of conflicts with more confidence, not more distance: having the courage to change one's position or at least to accept that of others, glimpsing new possibilities, is a dynamic that triggers a continuous improvement in collaboration.

The starting point, however, remains one: what we have called 'handle your inner storm'. We like to keep the word 'handle', handle, because it reminds us of the 'handle with care' of the boxes in which, in a move, we put the crystal glasses or the family ceramics. Just as in that activity (among the most stressful, we know) in which we pack fragile objects, move the box, transport it, take out its contents and reposition it, we have to take care of it. The temptation not to get emotional during conflicts could be compared to the choice of leaving fragile and 'dangerous' objects in the old house for fear of breaking them. This is nonsense, right? How can we separate ourselves from what we are attached to, which in some way represents a piece of us?

We also find the metaphor of moving very effective for two other suggestions. First, overcoming a conflict always represents a change of skin, a change of position, a transformation of the self; the second aspect has to do with memory and remembrance. What we take with us into the 'new house' speaks to us of the path we have travelled, the choices we have made, the struggles and the dishes we have broken in our various attempts. Training and keeping our emotional memory vibrant can be a tremendous resource to consolidate our resilience in moments of tension. And it has to do not only with us, but also with others. The more we are able to legitimise and value the internal storm, the better we will be able to contact others and remember that the struggle to deal with conflict is not only our own, but also that of our counterparts. Sometimes, realising even just the fatigue and waste of energy that continuous confrontation brings to the whole system can be the turning point for resolving it, truly.

'Storms make trees take deeper roots'. Find out who said it, it will be a surprise.

*Partner of Newton Spa