From absolute monarch to 'underling' dad: risks and dynamics in the family

"Tonight I'm telling your mother!". Times change, and so do phrases, within families and family balances. We have passed, or are passing, from the absolute head of the family, the 'breadwinner' (as Save the Children defines him), who comes back tired at night, not to be disturbed, used as a deterrent against the children, with whom moments of sharing and play were a sort of exception to the rule, to a more present type of father, able to change nappies and prepare a meal, play with the children and work alongside his wife or husband, partner or companion, sharing pride, empathy, anxieties and stress.

The sense of a gradual process, underpinned by cultural, social and organisational changes, can also be seen from a symbolic indicator: it is that of the use of paternity leave, which, according to Inps data, has risen from 19% in 2013 to around 65% today. But there is still a long way to go, at least from the regulatory point of view and in terms of economic and working conditions. Nor does it help that Italy's gap with other EU countries.

Experts share a common-sense reflection: 'The positive role of the father-child relationship in social-emotional development from early childhood (Puglisi et al., BMC Psychology, 2024) with observable and protective benefits in adolescence and adulthood,' Save the Children further reminds us.

However, as is easy to see, every transformation is accompanied by improvements and also by criticalities. While empathy, commitment and involvement have increased, there are also signs of postnatal stress (also for men, it seems), 'identity crises' and even what could be called 'opportunistic strategies' in the area of child management: better to leave the role of bad cop to the partner and surf through conflicts as much as possible; so much for 'no helps to grow'.

If, then, the relationship is with the daughter, the risk is to turn into a diplomatic and negotiating 'daddy-in-chief' who engages in dangerous balancing acts between his daughter's demands and requests and his partner's stricter positions. In short, good cop and bad cop in reverse: risk, and disaster, are just around the corner.